All Relationships Fall Into These Two Categories
One fades over time while the other will always keep growing
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Let’s imagine that you just recently bought your dream house. As you sat in your garden on a warm spring day enjoying your coffee, it suddenly occurred to you that you urgently needed some shade. So, you set out to your local hardware and garden shop.
“Well my dear, you have two options,” says the elderly store owner with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.
“The first is this,” he said as he pulls out a beautiful plastic free-standing umbrella. It had bright colors, was made of exquisitely patterned fabric, and could instantly be adjusted into different configurations and heights.
You instantly fall in love with it and start imagining how well it would fit with your lifestyle. You could see it extending out and covering your entire chaise as you read a book. With a simple pull of a couple of cords, it could convert to covering your outdoor table for your weekly brunch sessions with your friends. You were already picturing all the summertime parties you could host when the store owner interrupts your thoughts.
“The latest model from Europe. Top of the line. We only have one set in-store. It is completely portable. You can fold it up in half a second and pop it back out whenever you want. When you don’t have a need for it, you can put it away and never think about it. It is, of course, very expensive,” he said as he revealed the price.
Seeing the look of disappointment on your face. He says, “But don’t worry, there is a second option!”
He wanders off to a different room and emerges carrying nothing. You give him a confused look. Without saying a word, he responds by pulling out his closed fist.
“I was too poor to buy a fancy umbrella 35 years ago so I bought one of these. Turns out it provides shade better than any umbrella and is one of the best decisions I ever made!”
As he unfurls his fist, you see a small packet of seeds.
“It’s a lot more work — you have to prune it, fertilize it, and water it. But the colors won’t fade and it won’t become brittle from sun exposure. You also won’t have to replace it every few years because it gets stronger every year! It doesn’t just provide shade, but a lot of joy as well.”
“Of course, you won’t know what it will look like or exactly what you’re getting every year but that’s also the best part! You may get animals nesting or delicious fruits or branches large enough to build treehouses on. Your kids might even get married under them like mine did,” he said with a sentimental tone in his voice.
You glance back at the fancy European umbrella and can’t help but feel the familiar tug of wanting instant gratification. Your friends would be so jealous! But you weren’t quite sure if you could really afford the extra expense right now. On the other hand, you could also picture how beautiful a big tree would look in your garden.
Which would you choose? The umbrella or the tree?
Whichever one you choose is actually very telling of what you value in relationships. Allow me to elaborate.
The “umbrella” relationship
People wanting the umbrella model of relationships seek certainty. They want to know exactly what they’re getting — what their partner looks like, how much money they earn, and what they can provide in the relationship. They also want to know that their partner will definitely fit in their lifestyle.
They think that if they find the partner that matches a set of criteria today, they will have to put in minimal effort into making the relationship work because everything is already (or has to be) perfect. An “umbrella” relationship is laden with expectations because so much is promised upfront.
This type of relationship rarely grows because what they chose was supposed to be a finished outcome instead of raw materials with a lot of potential for customized design. Similar to the plastic umbrella, it is beautiful the day you get it, but there is very little you can change about it. And that’s just the way people in “umbrella” relationships prefer it.
They hope that their partner never fades or changes and that they stay exactly as they are today. As soon as they are no longer as beautiful or as functional as before, they are discarded and replaced with a newer model. For this reason, “umbrella” relationships rarely last.
The “tree” relationship
People who prefer the tree model of relationships think about creating relationships with someone rather than finding a person who fits perfectly on day one and then hoping that they never change. Instead of seeking certainty, they seek growth.
Their relationships are not built on expectations but on curiosity about the other person. Rather than having rigid requirements of how their partners should look, act, or think — they seek to understand what their partner needs and create growth that way.
Instead of asking, “What am I getting from this relationship?” — they ask, “What can I give to this relationship?”
They understand that the more effort you put in, the more fruits you will enjoy from the partnership. They not only know that sometimes things will be tough, they expect it. They know that a relationship requires attention all the time, even when it’s inconvenient. Especially, when it’s inconvenient.
While the “umbrella” starts off perfect and can only fade and weaken from day one, the “tree” relationship is unlimited in its potential and can continue to get stronger over time with enough effort.
Because a “tree” relationship is always evolving, it can make room for other people. The relationship nourishes not just the partners, but their children and the people around them as well.
Takeaway
The main difference between the two relationships is that the “umbrella” model is focused on certainty and minimal effort while the “tree” model is centered on uncertainty and growth. One resists change while the other thrives on it.
As you are reading this, you might ask why can’t I buy an umbrella while waiting for my tree to grow?
The answer is that most people do. When we are younger, we seek partners based on their looks and success. We look for the perfect “umbrella” that society tells us is a good catch. As we get older, most people eventually gravitate towards the “tree” relationships when they discover that “umbrella” relationships can be unfulfilling and they learn what they want in a relationship long term.
In a way, the “umbrella” relationships help us to become the people who can cultivate a “tree” relationship. So, if you’ve recently had an “umbrella” relationship that didn’t work out — don’t worry, it’s helping you grow so that you will be ready for your “tree” relationship.
If you have never had a “tree” relationship and have just been cycling through “umbrella” relationships, it’s worth reassessing what is really important to you in a relationship. Don’t just consider what you want today but think about the partner you want to weather the storm with you in the long term. Consider that it may be less important that they match up with you perfectly today but that they are willing to work with you on the relationship.
To paraphrase New York Times Bestselling Author and dating expert Matthew Hussey — relationships are like building castles.
Having chemistry with someone is like finding a great plot of land that you can build a castle on — it’s a good start and it has potential. But the quality of the castle that gets built relies on the person you are building it with. Do they show up every day? Do they pay attention to the details? Are they willing to do the hard work to lay strong foundations? More importantly, no castle will get built unless both people show up every day and lay brick after brick.
I hope that when you find your “tree” relationship, you won’t dismiss it for what it is today but are willing to put in the effort so you get to enjoy a truly extraordinary relationship.
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