Have You Had This Experience?
Jake had been dating Rachel for eight months, and he came to me for coaching when he was starting to feel like he was failing some test he didn’t know he’d signed up for.
It happened again last Tuesday. Rachel came home devastated. She’d lost a big client she’d been working on for months. Jake’s mind immediately went into solution mode.
“Okay, so what exactly happened? Did you document everything? You should probably…”
“Jake, I don’t need solutions,” Rachel interrupted as she started to tear up. “I just need you to care that I’m hurting.”
Jake felt his chest tighten. Not again.
“I do care. That’s why I’m trying to help you figure out what to do next.”
“But I don’t want to figure out what to do next! I want you to ask me how I’m feeling.”
What does she want from me? I’m literally trying to help.
“I... I don’t know what you want from me,” Jake said. “Every time you’re upset, nothing I say is right.”
He walked out before she could respond. In his office, Jake stared at nothing.
At work, he was the problem-solver. The guy everyone came to. But with Rachel? Every time she had a problem, he made it worse. No matter how hard he tried to help, she ended up more upset.
She wants me to “feel with her.” But what does that even mean?
He opened his laptop and started typing out a breakdown of Rachel’s situation—potential next steps, people she could contact. Maybe if he organized it clearly, she’d see he was trying to help.
But even as he typed, he knew. She’d see it as him “not listening” again.
The Neuroscience Between What’s Really Happening
Did you know that different parts of our brain actually govern our thoughts versus our emotions? In fact, we have at least four distinct parts of our brains and nervous that can be activated to create intimacy. Each part controls how we build intimacy (through thoughts, emotions, safety or touch).
Most of us don’t know this because modern society has created a “neocortex-dominant” culture where we’re expected to connect primarily through thoughts and words. Meanwhile, our more ancient and powerful connection systems—the ones that create the deepest intimacy—have been underdeveloped or even suppressed.
What’s happening with Jake and Rachel:
Like most people the days, Jake primarily connects with others through words, thoughts, and ideas and is neocortex dominant. Meanwhile, Rachel feels intimacy mainly through an exchange of emotions and vulnerability.
When Rachel walks in upset, Jake’s neocortex—his thinking brain—immediately dominates. Within seconds, he’s analyzing: Problem identified. Solution required. To Jake’s brain, this IS love. He’s dedicating his most powerful cognitive resources to helping her.
Meanwhile, Rachel’s limbic system is firing intensely. This emotional brain region is screaming: I need to be seen. I need someone to acknowledge this hurt. Her limbic system can’t access her thinking brain for problem-solving yet because it’s still processing the emotional experience.
When Jake immediately offers solutions, Rachel’s limbic system interprets this as: He’s dismissing my pain. This triggers more emotional distress, not less.
They’re stuck in a feedback loop where each person’s intimacy pathway triggers the other’s distress response. But Jake and Rachel are actually not doomed, because we can all actually learn the other intimacy pathways.
The Solution?
The people who create the deepest, most satisfying relationships have learned to activate all four systems. They can think together (neocortex), feel together (limbic system), create safe touch together (vagus nerve), and co-regulate together (basal ganglia).
Often, when we feel like we can’t connect with people, it’s simply because we are not able to align with their intimacy style.
When you master all four intimacy languages, you literally expand your body and nervous system’s capacity for connection. You’re not just reaching a wider range of people—you’re accessing the full spectrum of human intimacy that we’re biologically designed to experience. This isn’t about changing who you are. It’s about reclaiming the connection capacities that modern life has conditioned you to suppress.
The upside? I’ve learned exactly what makes people open up, soften, and show their real selves. And you get to skip the awkward parts and just get to the good stuff.
In my writing, I provide:
- Research-backed concepts and solutions to
- Real-life stories that help you understand the nuances of intimacy
- Practical tips and ways to integrate it into your relationships
- Mini-challenges to give you a tangible path to growing based on your intimacy style
Are You Ready?
Step 1 is to take the quiz to find out which intimacy style you are.
Curious to Know More?
If you want to learn more about how I got on this path of being so interested in intimacy and who I am as a human, go here.
Here is my website if you want to just poke around: www.intimacy advantage.me
